Warm and fuzzy time of the year is upon us once more.
Warm chair from long hours of being incubated by my unnecessarily large arse. Hot coffee/tea for regulation of sanity levels. Boiling rage at the next person who punctuates speech wrongly, or forgets that the word ‘alot’ doesn’t exist.
Fuzzy vision from students writing in their own doctor-esque fonts. Hazy, faint line between reality and distorted logic of possibly deranged 11-year-olds. And of course Re: Picture Attached. It’s not just a bad picture, right? Please tell me that you’re having difficulty focusing your vision too.
That’s right, folks! Marking season is here!
Bringing along with it the joy of impending-involuntarily-cessation-of-breathing.
Warm and fuzzy time of the year is upon us once more.
And so F1 season for 2014 has started. At first I was eagerly anticipating the prospect of cheering my tits off at the bloody Redbull DNF-ing. **Note the use of singularity since my feelings of disgusted are directed at just one of them*
Then I realised that the indignity of the car getting lapped will be infinitely sweeter to watch. Hoho. Top that up with a classic vettel-esque tantrum where he will toss his glove like an obstinate child spoilt rotten. And that. Will be. The moment. From which I will find peace and not complain even if I don’t get enough Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
And today i found the nicest person alive in the whole world. Let me tell u what this person did. Oh actually. It’s more like what this person DID NOT do.
This person DID NOT throw a hissy fit despite me booking movie tickets at the wrong cinema. Yes and i know that u are already judging me for being such an idiot, but no, this nice person gamely laughed and suggested we crash another movie instead.
This person DID NOT mind me wanting to get a useless Mr Peabody and Sherman popcorn combo just because i wanted the stupid cup. He even let me choose whether i wanted the boy or the dog (i picked the dog).
This person DID NOT mind not going home for a rest, choosing to spend the afternoon hanging out with me instead so that he could send me to the gym later.
And this person DID NOT get mad when in the end i decided not to go to the gym anyway due to (very long reason, deleted due to lorsor) blah blah blah. Be honest, if u were this person, i would already have been murdered at least a few hundred times in an assorted brutal ways. But look. I am still here, in one piece, and happily writing this tumblr post.
And that’s how nice this person is. I love you very much, you nicest person in the world!!!
So I’m about 10 days into this 100happydays thing. Thanks to Le Fav Person, who provided the timely reminder that sometimes, our misery is self-inflicted. You can’t control the situation most of the time, and others’ opinions are not at your liberty. However, the way that you choose to react to them is your freewill. In participating in the never-ending war against the ever-growing list of nemesis, negativity feeds upon itself to grow into potentially Godzilla proportions. Obtrusive, destructive and possibly deadly. I’ve found out that being a Switzerland makes life simpler. I’m not really prancing around in euphoria yet, but being less miserable is definitely a perk which is surfacing.
So one of the things which really succeeds in bringing out the inner bitch in me is a kid behaving badly. I don’t mind stupidity. But i hate sloth, laziness, arrogance and a generally shitty attitude. Unfortunately that accurately describes quite a large majority of children these days.
The mantra that I’m going to adopt now on will be that I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MORAL UPBRINGING FOR ANY CHILD WHO DID NOT EMERGE FROM MY VAGINA. I will discipline and do what is within my control, but never will i let it affect me personally again. If i had wanted to be so emotionally plagued by children, i would have gone and produced some myself. But no. This is precisely the problem i wanted to avoid. Instead, i will report abovementioned undesirable behaviour to the woman from whose uterus said child incubated for 9 months, and the man from whose sperm the child was produced. I am not going to let my poor heart be slave of your offspring’s shitty display of morals.
I only spend an hour a day with the child while u have him for the rest of the day. There’s only that much i CAN do. Similarly, he will only be with me for a year or so. But he will be with u for the rest of ur life. By relation, there’s only that much i SHOULD do. If u are perfectly happy raising a rude, snobbish, lazy and sloppy child, who am i to say anything?
In short. If it didnt come from my vagina, i will invest less of my precious emotions in it. Instead, i will save my love and affection for people who matter.
Speaking of people who matter. I am surprised that being the caustic twit that i am - there are plenty of these strange folks who still love me! Enough to plan a birthday ‘surprise’. Hoho :) whatever the outcome, consider it a success!! Thank you very much!
I am too sleepy to even yawn. And you know things are getting bad when you are actually feeling excruciating pain just from sitting down and actively doing nothing. I think Tiny, the Master Expert of Everything in the Universe) is talking now. Am trying to make a concerted effort to completely block him out. Have always considered myself fairly competent at not paying attention. Amazingly, am finding it overwhelmingly challenging right now.
Ok so today i was at sentosa for a swim and run race. I thought i finally found the one last thing in the world that might ignite the almost non-existent maternal instinct in my selfish, heartless soul. It was a touching moment for me. Finally. Proof that i may be just marginally more motherly than a rampaging tyrannosaur Rex clamouring for the last pound of flesh on earth. I could have teared.
These. Kids. Racing. Are. So. Cute!
For a moment i thought how cool it would be to have one of my own to cheer on during some race too!
But. Oh joy. 15 minutes later I’m at the open shower in the ladies’ cos the cubicles are fully occupied. This little girl refused to strip because she said to her mum that there were boys around. Mum told her there were no boys.And then. She. Pointed. At. Me. Looking sincerely offended.
Couldn’t really think of the best response at that point. So i unzipped my suit and exposed my boobs at her. And proceeded to shower in that unzipped state. Her cute pink 2-piece came off immediately. I was very friendly and was smiling my widest.
Fleeting moment of feeling remotely feminine and motherly spontaneously combusted. And that is how I have now returned to disliking kids with renewed vigour and enthusiasm.
And so. Gonna be 32 years old in a matter of weeks.
I’m thinking it’s probably a good time for people to realise that the days of attempting to dictate my life are long over.
I don’t really give a shit that YOU think my job is low-paying. It is keeping me happy (enough) and feeding me much more than sufficiently. Perhaps it’s not the 5-digit monthly YOU think I should try to aim for by engaging in some form of enterprise. But yes, I’m really satisfied with what I have. And no, for the millionth time, I’m not interested in your offer.
In case you haven’t noticed by now, I also have ZERO interest in furthering my studies. I’m a procrastinator for most other things. But when it comes to this, I’m not delaying - I just don’t intend to do it at all. I’ve got the time and capacity for many other things like training for marathons, ballet, picking up yoga or maybe even trying to learn teleportation. But working for a degree comes nowhere near my list of things-to-do. Please. Stop. Trying.
I’m not sure who died and made you king, but your opinions about the way I’m living my life really mean very little to me by now. In fact I think many things have come to this, because once upon a time, I actually did try living with your choices.
Like when I wanted to do humanities because studies in Science is completely not my league - remember who told me that doing Literature and Drama is useless. Best. Advice. Ever. Thanks to it, I suffered two years struggling with things which did not make sense to me, and which completely dashed my interest in studying after that.
And that one time when you tried forcing me to break up with this guy by attempting to assault him at his work place? I didn’t tell you this, but I was going to dump him the next week. No thanks to your help, I got so angry, that I left home that same day and moved in with him. To annoy you further, I got married to him a year later, since not much more damage could be done. I think we need to come to an agreement that things in my life are much better handled by me, myself and I.
You’ve asked me why I don’t talk to you much. Oh well, have you met you? Personally, I’d love to start talking someday. When you actually understand that ‘having a conversation’ means that both parties should get an equal chance in saying something.
And for the last time. I’m not moving back in with you.
I think we’re much better off watching each other from a distance.
I have groused about this before. But as with all mean-spirited Grinches such as myself, there is no such thing as having grumbled enough.
I loathe Chinese New Year. The expression ’hating it with a vengeance’ is like dipping my feelings in a bowl of colourful Gummi Bears and then flooding said bowl with honey. There is no festive season I detest more than Chinese New Year.
Inflated prices for everything. Pineapple tarts. Bak kwa. Platters of randomly mixed vegetables with small bits of raw fish and keropok (otherwise known as yusheng). Even a bloody plate of mixed vegetables rice (on New Year’s Day) costs $17.00! Why should anyone be pleased with haemorrhaging money??!! And this is the part where married couples smile and enthusiastically wave the $$-filled hongbaos they’re forced to part with.
Meaningless visitations to people whom you don’t really care about, and who also don’t really give a rat’s ass about you anyway. This is over-generalising as I’m sure there ARE fairytale-happy families who genuinely enjoy this. But statistics from my sufficiently large sample population reflect that the majority don’t look forward to pretending to be nice to a bunch of people whom u only see once a year.
The red decorations are an assault to the eyes.
And don’t even get me started with the songs.
I hate Chinese New Year.
I know it may seem slightly greedy, spoilt and bastardly of me. But I want this. Oh wait. Correction - I NEED it. Here are the reasons why.
Firstly, I only have two copies of the same set of Harry Potter books. One of them is already very old and dog-eared because I have read it countless times. As the saying goes, ‘a battered book is a well-used book’. They have served their purpose and thus deserve rest.
Also, the people who had borrowed them had not really taken care of them. If I recall correctly, three of the books were not even returned to me. Thus, rendering the set incomplete. This is a tragic plight for a quintuplet of books who are destined to be one in the kingdom of magic. On a side note, Avada Kedavra to the thievin’ batshits who did not return my books - wait till I remember who you are, and find out where you live.
To add to the sadness of it all, although the second, recently-bought set is relatively new, it does not have a beautiful cover like this. You may say that as long as the content is the same, it does not matter. However, you couldn’t be more wrong. Bruno Mars is supposedly the highest-downloaded artiste of 2013. Is having the entire collection of his original overpriced CDs the SAME as having the entire collection of illegally downloaded mp3s? Is going to a fancy toilet to take a dump the SAME as visiting a dilapidated loo without a door to shit into a hole? Exactly. Same difference. I’m glad that you are finally beginning to see my point.
Furthermore, without this set of books graced by the impossibly gorgeous cover, I will never achieve the foundations of my inner peace. Never ever. Can you even imagine that cruel fate for a good person like me? I certainly can’t. We must not add to the injustice in this world.
For the above substantial reasons, I believe it is greatly justified that I go on fishpond and bookdepository now to hunt for a copy of this awesome shit. It’s high time I set something right in my life.